Nikki Wehner
Short – Short Story
The room smells of antiseptic and it makes
me want to scream.
I
am so very tired of this smell. My nostrils become drenched with it at least a
couple times a month now. They’re trying to figure out what’s wrong with me –
and that means being poked and prodded and questioned countless times.
The
rooms merge together. The fake smile has a permanent residency. You’re too
polite not to keep faking it. Although every time you still ask yourself how
you’re going to manage that fake-ass smile for even another second… but you do.
Every. Single. Time.
Life
is changing around me. This is an incorrect statement. I’m simply opening up to
all the bullshit that was masked by my innocence. All of that is now gone in my
world. I’m an adult. I’m dying. I’m weak. Yet – strong and focused better than
ever. Why? I know what really matters around me because my life timer was
brought better to my attention. Life’s really too short for bullshit and aging
really puts that into perspective as an adult.
There’s no denying mortality
anymore. I am reminded every single time I smell that awful antiseptic that is
my hospital room again. My fake smile is up again. My fiancé there with me
being more supportive that I could have ever hoped for. I would be bored to
death already. I am more bored than ever. I’m so
tired of being here being poked and prodded and questioned again.
But here I am doing it again.
There’s
of course the exciting side to it. I love and fully appreciate science. I will,
of course, continue to go through the visits to the hospital and those gross
antiseptic-smelling rooms because I believe in the science coming through or
improving with time.
But I’m not going to lie and say it’s not fucking
awful because it really is exhausting. I’m dying. Dying is exhausting.
Chronic
pain is the worst. You’re alive but it hurts to even breathe deeply some days.
No one believes there’s something wrong because it’s not always visible. The
doubt is the most annoying. The pain is gnawing, throbbing, stabbing, and
stinging… sometimes a mix.
It’s
amazing how the human body works at all considering how many complicated parts
go into the body functioning but here we are. Walking, incredible, humans. Here, the scientists are trying to play
magician trying to scientifically find a starting point to comprehending the processes
when they malfunction is magnificent. That’s why I don’t blame science for not
knowing the cure to what I have yet. As much as I was going to the hospital,
you’d assume that I would be getting some form of a treatment – wrong. The
professionals don’t even know what’s wrong with me. That’s right – they don’t
even have part A down to begin trying to treat me.
So
here I walk down the hall, smelling that antiseptic again, with what hope I
have left.
Nikki, is this the one you want us to do for workshop on the 20th? We talked about this story in class so I think we can give you some good feedback on it.
ReplyDeleteYes please! That would be amazing of you all! It was already read ahead of time and I think that'd be best.
ReplyDelete